Thursday, July 27, 2006

Messy

Things are messy around here, lately. My life, my desk, the house, the yard, my truck and even the cats. I have tried so hard to keep all the ends together that the middle has gone to hell. So today I promised myself that I'd get it together - at least a little bit. But where to start?

There's the packing, to be certain, plenty of that. Or the laundry. Or the lawn mowing. There's the wedding plans, the catbox and my mind to clear of clutter but now I don't know what to do first. The cats might have a preference but I refuse to listen to them today due to the 6a wakeup call on my off day. Bastages.

So I think the desk. While the sun maxes out in the sky and I cool off from my workout I can get the filing done and then pack the desk up which needs it very much. But then I see all the little things I've kept over the years and get distracted. There's the photo frame with all the pictures I love - one of me, a self-portrait, on a Boulder height alone after I'd lost all the marriage weight. Peaceful - not smiling, really, but happy. And mom...you never know how much you love your parents until they are gone. That's a sad truth. My mom was such a fighter. I always thought she was a wimp when I was young but I had no perspective. Up until the end she did her very best. I only wish my last goodbye was more...final. That I'd let her know without fail of my love for her. But I know one thing - she loved my man very much. He promised her, I think, to take care of me for her (I was her favorite in many ways). She loved him. Dearly. And I am ever thankful that they knew each other.

And then the slides - old memories captured in clear sheets of protection. I meant to do so much with them but there was never time. And now they get packed yet again for another dreamtime until they reawaken in a new place, giving a different meaning to the time.

And there the photo of my stepdaughter whom I adore. I shall never have children - hadn't really mattered until I suddenly and utterly irrevocably could NOT. Then it was...a mourning. The other day I found myself in tears at the loss without really understanding why they'd waited so long. But she is...the embodiment of what I'd hope for. Pretty, sweet, smart and outgoing. She has seen a lot of travail in her life, her parents not being all they ought but she has struggled through to come out a wise girl. And in a way, my own.

But it all must go back into the boxes as it all has thrice before. Hidden away until the time comes to start over, with new intentions and new hopes for a clean desk. An uncluttered existence. A swept clear mind.

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