Saturday, January 20, 2007

Where does the time go?

Dear me, but I have neglected this place, no? Cobwebs everywhere and garbled verbiage all over the floor. Sigh...well, it was holiday time and there was so much going, reasons but no excuses. I was taught that once by a fine elderly woman in a Chicago public school - perhaps the only thing I learned there.

There is a distinction between a reason and an excuse. Rarely is the latter actually excusable. We do things we know we ought not and then find a reason to substantiate it and move on, expecting the error to just fall away like a mote in the wind.

Right now, I have all manner of reasons for losing the shape that I was in at the start of my relationship. No excuses, though. And so I know it's time to start try yet again to force this...aging flesh into something more tolerable. Oh, is not touching me lightly now as it always had.

Once, I was insanely free from it - I looked 16 well into my late twenties. And even then the changes were subtle and slow. But was loss that started the process, I think. I grieved. One heartache was tossed upon another, a double blow, and I bent forward under the burden of it. But with time and effort I stood tall again and managed to recover. And it was then I met the Trooper. Still relatively radiant though the lines were showing. But once again I let go the rigidity of schedule and duty, went for pleasure like a child to candy and lost track of myself. It is a long climb back.

As for the Trooper - he, too, lost himself after being released from the torment of academy. He swore he would not but the fact is that the extreme nature of the training and diet could not be maintained. We shall not mention his rather drastic condition that will require surgery sooner rather than later that prevents his running - it is his one major weapon against the flesh and it has been put away. It was that or crippling himself. No, a few more months and he can have it seen to. Damn his stubborn hide. I'd told him... Ach - water under the bridge. Why bother?

Do you know what I miss? My Sunday hikes in the woods. It was Sweetwater Park every dawn. I knew the trails, I knew the flora and fauna. I knew the overlook and the trees. It was almost four miles rain or shine - hell, the canopy was so grand that rain became hardly a drizzle under it. But I've nothing like that here, now. It is...frighteningly broad, that horizon. Lovely, yes - the expansive view is tremendous. But sometimes it also feels almost too exposed. I feel quite small and weak under that sky.

I spent much of this week buried by that same sky in ice for 3 days. At least I was able to remain at home, not bothered with venturing out. We were wise enough to get foodstuffs to tide us over. Here - I shall show you what I battled.

That is nearly two inches thick at the wipers. I didn't even bother to do battle with it. I waited for the Thursday thaw and only then chipped at it, sending large sheets rolling off the hood. I worried most for my already damaged windshield but it only had a wee bit longer crack for all that weight and cold. Thank goodness. I hadn't budgeted for its replacement yet - trying to get it through perhaps May or June.

At any rate, it was a time of staying indoors and drinking a lot of tea to keep my hands warm. Damned body is failing me left and right. Yet another thing to make time for - exams and prodding, histories and histrionics. I file it under the "I don't want to know" section and put it off again. Time later for all that...

I've a wedding to decide on, too. Full-blown affair or solitary and solemn? In TX or GA? Invite all or just a few? I've no idea, frankly. First one and then the other concept appeals. But I do know I have no stomach for the...oh what shall we call it? The frou frou bullshit. I am more and more tempted to make it local - to find a nice TX field and just have a barbecue (oh jeez - what is the colloquial spelling here?!) but then I think of his GA friends and how it would be for them to travel...we've not as many friends here. Hell, I've not many at all. LOL Oh, yes...THAT is simple enough. Who to stand up for me? The four gals I love most. There are no others.

Well...I suppose being away for so long has made me overstay my welcome here. Too much content, not enough contentedness. After all, there is a great deal awaiting me here - time enough to get the chores done if I were so inclined. I am most definitely not but I will do it anyway. And later, some puttanesca for dinner. Battle THAT, Febreze! You have met your equal!

Y'all be good. Be happy. Spring will come. It always does.

P.S. For the sweet Christina and family - hot damn but it's good to be home, isn't it? Congrats on making it through the impossible! Let the final decorating begin!

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