Saturday, March 03, 2007

Haunted

The evening's mood is related to the CD by Poe of the same title. It really is a fantastic bit of work that I forget about for months and months, only to rediscover it. The cats have all been asleep and are waking again, their internal clocks declaring it moon-time, prowl-time, even though they nothing of either.

We, too, have those clocks. So comes the frenzy and the somnambulism. And rather than understand it for what it is we try to treat it, dull it or shove it aside. But I will admit that I am one that is too ready to wallow in that darkness. I think now of those days - years - spent in that place and wonder at how I have moved past it.

I think often of the line in the book, "we all go to our wedding bed with our past lovers in our eyes" and I know it truth - no matter how happy we are, we prick at the old memories, toss them out like cards on a table, selecting this or that one and mull over it. Who controlled whom? Who was the dangerous one? Which one was fooled and which one used? I am pragmatic, perhaps too much so, in this. I am honest with myself and can readily admit that I was to blame for a majority of what I've dealt with. A great amount of my unhappiness in the past was directly related to my making horrid decisions. Over and over again. Oh, yes. And, like a fool expecting a different result.

So I look now at this...sanity and I sometimes marvel at it. There are bits and pieces of that madness left in dusty papers and cracked leather, words upon words. I can revisit it whenever I like and that is the best, no? So much better than living in it - you can close that mental door and walk away, the scratching from behind it growing more faint.

There are times I think of mom and wonder if there is Other - a life after or no. A part of me has echoes of so many other...experiences...that I feel confident it is so. But the rational part of me thinks it all nonsense. This is it - live it up. And, of course, adhering to the latter will not hurt even if the former is true. But I flirted so long with death that I don't know if it will hold the same import for me. And then I remember...it was hardly anything like that. It was a game, with rules and measured responses.

Still, I wonder if she has company where she is. Or has she moved on, a soul in a new life, learning what she was not able to in the last. What might that have been? In the end, the cancer was such a misery that there was simply no choice for her - to let go the easiest thing. I have to believe it - I was not there. I still close my eyes and thank the gods that she met the Trooper, that she could know I'd be okay - that I'd left behind that nightmare of hers and moved beyond that need for extremity. I think she had known it herself, in the past, and so worried for me. But she knew, in the end, that I'd be cared for and safe. I know she had to be comforted by it.

There were revelations the other night as we drove home, of childhood cruelty and destitution. Tears coming to edges of eyes as we remembered the kindness of people we hardly knew, of how one had to be harder and tougher than the rest just to get through. He and I, we are very much the same in so many ways. I think it is why we manage to get along as we do - crave each other's presence even if it's just driving down a remote Texas road, looking at hills and smiling to each other across the small distance. Here is where we were supposed to be and, I have to wonder, what we'd be if we'd met so long ago when we were both here, before. I, too young to see him for the clean thing I so needed and he, too young to see me for the good woman I was, inside. No - fate was good and right. We met when we were supposed to, when we were the people we needed to be.

I still marvel at it. The timing...it is all very strange and I wonder if he didn't send him to me as he sent that other creature. All things in their time, you know? A greater hand at work...or just...coincidence. In this vast world, two lives slip together. Rather too coincidental for my tastes. But I'll not look the gift horse in the mouth. Blessed - it's a word I don't use often. But I think it applies. No matter what else happens, we were blessed with this time together. I hope it lasts forever.

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