Saturday, April 14, 2007

Quietude

The Trooper is out on the roads, doing his thing today, and I am home, trying to get a handle on the messes. I am an admittedly poor hausfrau. I don't mind some things - laundry, dishes, cooking, and even using the beloved Dyson - but I get behind in other things. My desk is always cluttered but then it isn't only my clutter. My catalogues stack up (tho I now rip out pages I like and toss the rest) and the kitchen counters are a mess.

I think, though, that a part of it is because we knew this place was very temporary. I just don't care. I knew I'd be repacking much of it. I accepted that this box would remain on the floor or that stack of papers would just be tossed back into another box...so I haven't made a concerted effort, really. However, I am looking very forward to having our own home.

I like to think that I won't let things get out of hand - that the boxes will all be tossed, the bathrooms kept clean, the CDs always refiled (of course, they're alphabetized - are you crazy?)...I know that this is likely a bit of dreaming. Some habits die hard, after all. But I hope that the new place will mean enough to me - us - that we'll work hard to keep it in shape.

I've a list, now - things to sell and things we'll need to purchase. I even have a running mental list of plants I'll need to disguise the less attractive aspects of the lot. It's easy stuff. But a small part of me hesitates, still. It does not trust that it will actually happen. Something always goes wrong, after all, and why not in this, too?

Oh, I am a pessimist. Well, perhaps a stoic is more accurate. And he is the eternal optimist. So we battle now and again on that front. I am sure I am a wet blanket, as we used to say way back in the olden times. LOL But sometimes his breezy, optimistic attitude makes me crazy, too. You cannot go through life just expecting everything will work out. Frustratingly, for him it does! Oh, I cannot tell you how crazy that makes me. I will have a triple plan and redundancies before making a decision or taking a course of action. He just walks out into the mine field of life, so to speak, and looks back, smiling. And never missteps.

Sigh...I do adore him. But I wish he were wrong more often.

Anyway, he's gone all day and I've been trying to get things done but I just can't find it in me. I want to sleep, of course. But I managed to get a few things done and I console myself with that. I'll even tackle a few more! I just want to enjoy this day, though. I want to continue with the silent rooms about me, musing over my thoughts and not taxing myself. It is a selfish thing, this pleased acceptance of quiet solitude. As long as I've lived on my own I have always done so - no TV, no music, no company - just...quiet. It's soothing.

And, of course, I surf - I hit the usual spots (which I have been quite poor about listing over to the right, I'll admit) and then see where they link off to and find an hour or more has passed. I think our little community is quite literate. Very smart, funny, irreverent and even thought provoking. I find it very interesting to see how alike we are and yet how divergent in many ways. And how we might never have known each other if not for this medium. Not that many of YOU know ME - yet. LOL I am a lurker...I would have been a tremendous analyst for the NSA. Just let me pour over documents, find connections...happy as a clam. Sadly, I had other...interests...in my youth.

Geez, let us NOT go there, eh? That is a tale for another time. Besides, I've broken ties with my historian. She was...not well. And it was unhealthy to have her in my life. It took a long time and a lot of BS before I could admit that. And it is sad because she was the one who remembered everything. I've only snippets here and there. And nothing proper for the lady of a Trooper. But I am wholly reformed. All of that was...so foolish. Such profligate waste. Such a cavalier way to live a life. It embarrasses me to think of it. Still, for good or ill, it is who I am. But I like this Me a lot more. I think you would, too.

No comments: