Thursday, May 10, 2007

She Stoops to Conquer

That title is the thought that has been wiggling in my brain all morning. I've no idea why. It's obscure and rarely heard so I cannot say where it is coming from. It would be nice if it could move on, now.

So this morning I have been sort of...moving slowly through the hours. I had a number of very detailed dreams last night and this morning's final show had Ray and mom featured and then an old friend whom I no longer speak with. I woke sharply from it but that haze remained with me for a time.

That friend - well, allow me to preface this tale by saying that I am the type of person who has few friends and adds new ones very judiciously. I am very demanding - people have to be ethical, decent, good human beings. This is not to say they must be without flaw. But that they rise above them. There aren't many of that sort so I have to be willing to be patient when meeting new people - to see what their characters are.

Unlike most people, I haven't friends from my early life. They weren't good people and I made bad selections. I left those days behind and so left them, too. One, however, keeps coming forward at intervals, trying to get me to respond. It is difficult.

Let us call her Lucia. I first met Lucia when I was 16. We were both wastrels and had similar interests. At one point, I was nanny to her first born and essentially raised the child from birth to her 4th year. Lucia was not a good mother. She had been raised thru a series of foster homes and it was reflected in her behavior. She had some gilded moments later, though, and could have risen above her situation. But no matter how much she - well, she had the soul of a thief and just couldn't leave it behind.

I left their home when I was 22. My life moved from that of degenerate to one of decency. I don't think that she ever fully accepted that I moved on from that place and time. There was a time wherein we again communicated and I helped her with a very sticky wicket...calling it "international intrigue" is not stretching the point at all. But once done with that, I could see her...damage. While I hesitate to call her a sociopath, she is definitely narcissistic. And I think perhaps well-drenched in that sociopathic pool. Nothing was her fault. Not any of her bad decisions nor their consequences. I grew tired of it. Tired, too, of the poor raising of not only her first child but that of her second.

And, of course, when Trooper came along I knew I would have to sever that tie. There is no room for her nonsense in our relationship. One day, she made it easy. Calls were made to my office phone - weeping, screeching, moaning and screaming cries for money. It was not due her. But that had no bearing in her mind. And so, I made a deposit and sent a note that stated quite clearly that this was our last involvement.

As you might expect, her mind turned soft and sweet after and acted as though nothing had happened. The casual emails were sent - I deleted them. The more pointed emails sent - again, I deleted them. An email giving tragic news of her first born was sent - I knew it for a lie and ignored it. And then, another, saying that the tragedy was averted was sent. Still, I did nothing. You would think the message (or lack thereof) would get through to her. But just the other day, Lucia tried again.

I grow weary of it, really. She only serves to remind me of mistakes made and sadder days. I wish that I could believe she was a different person, that we could start over. But I know the truth. That mercenary heart has not changed. And I will never look back. Not to that cesspool.

I have great respect for what this fellow says - "Chew through all of the umbilical cords which provide toxic nourishment, regardless of to whom they are connected and however long it takes." I took his entire codex to heart, really. I am not who I was. I am better. I am...changed. And I refuse to have that drama in my life ever again. Thank you, Joel...you will never know just how much those afternoons meant to me.

Now, if I could just get his coffee making secret...god, it was good coffee...

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