Monday, December 31, 2007

Auld Lang Syne

Old Long Since, it means. At least, that's what my brain throws back at me from the recesses wherein the original spelling of whiskey and maps of the Hebrides reside.

I took the early part of the evening to watch You've Got Mail - just a darling little movie and so completely NYC. [Ed: Dear GOD, I forgot entirely about '84 Charing Cross Road' until I hit the IMDB link. What a fantastic movie...sigh...] I don't really care for NYC, generally, but one has to admit it is one of the strangest places on earth. I visited once, briefly. There is a photo - the exterior of the Met museum with a Rodin statue in the view and the park well below. I walked past the Degas statue of the ballet dancer in some surprise. Iconic and yet right there.

But what I meant was that the movie was so sweet and soft - a confection. Meg's wardrobe as ALWAYS was one I would wear today. I adore her nature - but of course she is another Scorpio female so that makes perfect sense.

I've been thinking a lot lately of the past. What has gone by, long since. I remember pictures, instances...my mind tosses images at me and I have to smile. Good times, yes...thus far, it has refrained from the...profane. A kindness...a kind of mercy.

I don't like New Years Eve anymore. I was never really a fan but that instance - that one darker image that I remember as each one passes casts it in stark relief. It was - what? - 2000, I think. We always vacationed in Boulder after Christmas, the Boulderado our home away from home and their NYE festivities the ones we attended. But this one - the music rolled as midnight struck and he turned from me. He turned away as everyone else kissed, even laughingly someone they didn't know that well. And I smiled and looked at my shoes.

So...that is the image I mentally hoist a glass to each time. A remembrance, indeed. To never forget that no matter how much one invests - time, attention, financial and that of love - that investment might ring hollow. It is, perhaps, a bitter view. It might even be that of a - of a kind of widow. Because that night a piece of me died away in the frigid mountain air. Even as the revelers sang beneath the windows.

Long since...I returned to that place years after just to prove to myself that I could do it - that I could go there, alone, and find it just as...healing. And so it was. And always has been. That front range calls to me and I ache to stand in that chill wind, to see the cold stones wending their way across the land, the snow lodged against their shoulders like furs.


Yes, a holiday that I spend in memories and at home. Where the cats snore and the cold is only slight and the land rolls away like a carpet.

Better than that chill time...that deep, wounding ice. Old long since...since I felt that lonely in the middle of a crowd. I can look, now, at that picture and not have to focus on the early morning clouds. I can see myself, healthiest I ever was physically and emotionally, and truly happy.

And new memories will come, new instances to be brought before me when that climb is no longer possible. I like that thought. I think I shall toast to it, instead.

Sunday, December 30, 2007

Interesting Pixels

As found via Joan and one wonders why not before now due to my...er...diverse interests. Still, this snagged the brain matter and forced the addition to the roll and my morning run through.
"There was a lovely young lady there as well, alongside of us. With a pert
brown pony tail, Kevlar vest, fast draw holster and speed loading rig. The
handcuff holder at her six o’clock assured me that she was a law enforcement
agent. Or else the kinkiest woman I’d ever laid eyes on. Either one. Or
both.

And at the end of the day, does it really matter?"

Indeed, Sir.

And just prior...
"Sometimes this all takes on the air of a Shakespearian tragedy. With
nukes."

Yes. Heh...quite.

In a similar vein, I entertained myself with a showing of Casino Royale this evening. What an insanely sexy fellow what with all that angst and sociopathic lust. And let's not forget the hard body.

In other news...I may be ensuring my "assets" are memorialized. I've an appointment in a week to see if I can talk my insurance company into lopping off the useless flesh. Lord knows I've cost them very little in comparison to some. Seriously, I never see a doctor. Never get a script. Ungodly healthy until recently...and if they will allow this - well, I shall ask them for little more, I think.

But it does mean a self-portrait will be in order. Some Velvia might suit. But perhaps a roll of Neopan, too, for some B&W's...and of course, I am a fan of slide film...so lovely...

I used to have a friend [very much NSFW and not for those with delicate sensibilities] who firmly stated that a good digital is just as good and perhaps better than old film work but I don't know that I agree. His work is a mix, of course, of both. Hell, it's a mix of sane and not, I suppose. But I like some of it. We are in disagreement just now. It may resolve someday or it may not. Still, I respect his skill, love the piece I have, and what he did to one of my own shots.

So maybe I'll think about investing some cash in a really nice digital rig. But I have to say - I just love my wee SLR. I love the click of the lenses as they attach, that slick shift as the shutter snaps...it'd be hard to let that go.

And now I have to decide - go in to the office tomorrow or stay home for one more day. I am pretty sure it'll be the latter. Especially at this late hour. I can start fresh in the new year...a new year and a new picture...

Saturday, December 29, 2007

Armchair Dreaming

It was a good day - Ranger met Ziggy at the park and had a really good time being a dog among other dogs. It does take him time to warm up to them but it was a nice, relaxed crowd this time.

I've been doing a lot of surfing lately, looking for places to go. May be a month or two before we can but surely we'll fit in some real time away...I hope to find a driving option so that Ranger can come along - unless the dream of his taking time in a training facility comes along at the same time...

I was thinking of Targhee because it offers a bit more than just skiing. But it being near Jackson Hole = $$$$. And no cheap Southwest flights, either...and too far to drive. This place is near there but more reasonable, I think.

I'd love to head to Boulder (neato webcam here) or maybe just stay near Estes and hike around RMNP as I once did with much pleasure. This place offers a bit of everything at a reasonable price and I really like their dog friendly attitude as well as the wide open outdoors for hiking and star gazing. Can you imagine the sky there?!

And of course there is the pinnacle of snow playground: http://ski.intermaps.ch/aletsch/
Click the wee cams to see the live shots. Someday, perhaps...

For now, we'll find a place - even if it's just Alpine.

Friday, December 28, 2007

The Slathering Beasty

The crazed, fanged, furred fool continues to challenge my nerves and patience. Another growth spurt had him sleeping a lot the last few days. The creature is gigantic. Seriously. And his fur is getting darker all the time - the gentle fawn shade becoming more tipped in black.

We've been putting wee sacks of flour in his backpack so that he comes home from a walk tired. He'd been getting quite accustomed to the exertion. I worry for his hips and his rapid growth so not too much jumping yet and the backpack won't weigh much for a bit. But I can easily see him carrying a fair amount while backpacking in the future.
In other post-holiday news...I'm about sick and tired of the cleaning. Dishes never quite done, laundry waiting for attention, cat boxes and bathrooms all yearning to be free - of filth. And I am seriously not the best hausfrau.
I miss the old days when I had time to do what I liked. You have to PLAN around the dog because if left in the yard he will dig from boredom and frustration. I cannot blame him - he is hyper-intelligent and needs constant challenge to stay out of trouble. But a part of me wishes he would just calm down already. I know - I've about 3 years before that happens.
Trooper is back to work after a long few days off together which means I am in the throes of night shift pouting. I wish I could just climb in bed and read magazines but the dog won't have it. Instead, I'm about to wake him and load up the backpack for a chilly trip out and about. People ask if he is in training and we nod - easier and, frankly, I don't mind their thinking same.
If only he was the kind to sit beside you in the chair and quietly watch a movie. I suppose that's nice but doesn't take care of the intruder, does it? The beasty could take a limb off, I think. Over 40 lbs already and not even halfway grown. The vet trip next week will give us a more accurate rendering of his true age and genetics but for now...for now I try and remind myself that he is my protector and not just my tormentor.
Doesn't always work.

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Yuletide

And so another year...it was a lovely, quiet moment as we opened gifts while still sleepyheaded. Trooper had a part-time to get to so we moved through the gifts with a purpose.

I'd set my sights on kitchenwares so my list was heavily laden with Williams-Sonoma goods and nearly all the list was presented. Yay!! He did a perfect job. (And I got the PRETTIEST APRON!!)

He loved his things, too. He isn't too hard to buy for - knife sharpening tools, Calvin and Hobbes collection, remote control helicopter and a very nice piece - a coin from Marc Anthony's time with the eagle standard on reverse. A luckpiece from long ago.

Ranger, of course, got his own things - a backpack, a juicy bone, a good bed for the kennel, and a new wooby. The cats care not at all - a can of tuna later will be all they need.

Now, the meal prep for the family - easy ham and trimmings type of thing. Casual and simple. Of course, I would have sworn I had 3 packets of yeast in the pantry - not quite. Not even one whole packet. Whatever could have happened?! How can I make yeast rolls without yeast?! Sigh...I shall just have to make them smaller and hope everyone fills up on the rest.

That's about it. Simple, quiet, relaxed...what else could a person ask for?

Friday, December 21, 2007

Solstice Silence

And because I'd nearly forgotten and then suddenly, there that mad man pranced in pantaloons in my mind.



Which leads inevitably to this.


To heal the wound...
Look at the stars and wonder at just how...tentative it all is. And that we begin again. We can begin again.

With a small tip o' the pointy hat to Billy who was there when called when winter had settled in the soul.

Calendar Daze

A long while ago I was freshly single and took a year off to recover. (Retirement? P'shaw. That small 401k fund was the best money ever spent. Seriously.) During that time I was very introspective. I wrote a lot. I developed my own B&W photos. I saw movies in the middle of the day in a very quiet, empty theatre. I hiked in the woods for miles and I swam silent laps in the backyard pool. It was a sort of...very long vacation. Mind you, I also lost about 40 lbs. Glorious...

At any rate, I came upon this gal and her incredible calendar information. The thoughts...the manner of considering time as seasons rather than hours, days and weeks...I took it very much to heart. And the folklore. When I was quite young we lived by the Atlantic and I knew the tides and the moon as it sliced and filled. So I returned again to the tides of life. It was still wintry but moving into spring when it all began. I watched my beloved garden bloom again. And in fall, the beautiful rushing gold and crimson leaves as I drove the familiar route to town - the glorious bit between the Atlanta Science Museum and Highland Ave.

Those senses were muffled again, though. Dulled over time as I returned to work and then rushed around, letting years pass before looking around me in surprise. I hadn't really noticed until we finally settled here. Not until the last few months have I really seen that it has been non-stop work, eat, sleep with hardly a moment to just Be.

The calendar reminded me...and the words here. Years gone...people born and dead...the same trees letting go the same leaves and bearing new ones again and wondering at our poor, brief selves.

I think it's time to slow down. To see the world nearby and not so. To feel the seasons change and know that time is moving and me with it. And that soon I shall not be able to do what I'd like within it. Just as it is time to slow down it is also time to get started - to care for those matters that need attention. To see the places I've so desired. To read the books and cook the food I crave.

The calendar pages will blow in the wind of time and one can either look away or seize it as a sign. Stop wasting it. Do. DO! Just DO already and quit wondering about When.

Friday, December 14, 2007

Carry On

As you were...

Hard to do that, really, but we're trying. Gifts to buy, decorating to do, baking to finish...but you still have that pause. Trooper isn't sleeping very well yet but that's to be expected. He's working through his experience as he has in the past though this time there was a difference...

Meanwhile, I try to do what I can. Mostly it's keep that damned dog from destroying my things. Look, I wanted a tree. I wanted a tree because last year there wasn't even eggnog around. I've been so consumed that I haven't even finished decorating it and here is why I am glad.

He appears to have an aversion to garland. What was amazing is that each piece was almost the same size. Purposefully nipped so that it wouldn't even be useful for present decorating.
What can you do? I turned my back for 5 minutes.
Of course, his fahtha declares that he was merely being a puppy.
Yeah...well...PFFFT! I am just glad no ornaments were within reach. Lesson learned.
Anyway, I popped in because I thought this bit by Billy very good and something to keep in mind.
Alright - off, now, to spend some money on foolishness while Cerberus sleeps.
Thanks, all, for the prayers and emails - we did not know how many friends we had...his Sgt even said so - calls coming in from as far as El Paso from senior staff inquiring as to his condition.
Blessed, indeed.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Listening

That is what I am doing, now. Listening. Because Life appears to be trying to tell me something.

Oh, the Morrigan was right - I just mistook for whom.

There is great sadness in the house right now. Terrible If Only's and What If's that change nothing of What Is.

I can say so little of the facts except that...Trooper wishes he'd left later. I wish I'd bent over for just one more kiss. That I'd made that call just as he pulled away, delaying him that 30 seconds...that's all it would have taken.

Kiss them all, your friends and family. Hug them tight. And know that 30 seconds can change your life.

Friday, December 07, 2007

Other Spawn and Dreams of Woe

I had an utter failure of a dog walk earlier this evening so Ranger and I made another go of it. Earlier, a cul de sac was full of obnoxious kids which got him entirely out of hand. Just now, a pack of wild teens walked by - I purposefully halted our progress to let them pass as he was reticent to have them at our backs no matter how many corrections I gave.

As they passed, rude comments about what would happen if he attacked were exchanged between the, obviously, frightened boys, their bravado for the women entirely lacking. Gentlemen would stop and greet the dog, make the women there feel more secure, perhaps ensuring a later improvement in romance. I suppose I am old-fashioned and the girls surrender all without chivalry being proffered as currency.

At any rate, we bidded our time only to find the pack having settled near the house. Ranger was none too pleased and made casual water as comment. I suspect Trooper will have had the locals make a slow drive through just to disperse them to their rightful homes or at least inside and off the street. At least when I was a punk, we kept it quiet and shadowy...sigh...the good ol' days.

I am truly exhausted tonight -the last few weeks have brought a few bad dreams but all with a similar theme - dark voiced pronouncements. Sometimes from my own lips. To one thundering query of "What was the name of Mary's rose?" came my own rising from a bed, thrusting someone else to the ground and saying in a horrid voice, "The Sinners Rose". I said it so loud that I woke myself. Of course, I looked and discovered this interesting tidbit. I did not know I knew that. I don't think I did though it is possible I read it in the past.

Last night I dreamt of a map - old and soiled and somewhat puritan in nature - that same sort of scrawling ink...and a house in a town - tall gabled roof - and a warning that it was the most haunted place around. I entered - again, with someone - and instantly I could feel the clamoring of souls against the roof, battering to escape. Flying through and around...I know I said something immediately - This Has Been - this has always been - or something to that effect and again woke myself with my own fervor.

And I would not give it as much thought except that twice today the Morrigan flew near...this evening, she perched, even, on the roof rack of my truck as I left the office. I threw a bit of biscotti to the ground in the hope of pleasing it/Her...but it gave me a chill, I'll admit.

One wonders about this world and just how many strange coincidences there are. We go about thinking that it's all just so random and chaotic - and it is - but I believe there are patterns in that chaos. Look at the galaxies - you would think all that spinning and blowing up would create vastly different forms. But in the end they are all the same - light and then clouds and stars twinkling only to move apart and apart to make room for another expansion...

Have you ever seen Joseph Campbell's The Power of Myth? Oh, if not you MUST. MUST. What this man had forgotten we could have supped on for decades. Anyway, it's late and I am sleepy and Ranger is ready for his kennel, too. Though, in truth, I may just leave him free till his father gets home. Perhaps he can fend off the dreams a while.

Here's to your own dreams being sweet...

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Steve Tells It Like It Is

I really wish he'd marry my stepdaughter so they could have intelligent, beautiful, crazy chef kids...

This post is so spot-on and brilliant that I can't even tell you.
http://www.hogonice.com/2007/12/more_proof_that_ron_paul_is_a.html

I may not 100% agree with everything he writes - perhaps 96% - but he has a way with words that is insanely great. And especially when he isn't just writing about his tool - er - tools.

Sunday, December 02, 2007

Seriously, Enough Already

Enough. Of everything.

Enough of that damned dog becoming Satan's spawn as soon as Trooper goes to work.
Enough of getting the majority of the dog duties - and doodies.
Enough of shoe snatching, leash pulling, running pell mell away.
Enough of the potato stealing from the pantry.

Yeah, that's just the dog.

And then there is enough already with the freaking Christmas lights, people! What ever happened to a tasteful gleam from the shrubberies and perhaps a nice garland around a pillar with a red bow?

Enough with my eyeglasses that no longer seem to work for my eyes.
Enough with the twisted seatbelts not only in my truck but in the passenger side of his, too.
Enough with the laundry, the dishes, the animal feeding, the animal food hiding.
And enough of this finger that just seems to want to get worse and worse.

Enough of the hands that won't let me sew on a button without going numb first.
Enough of the whatever it is on my face that itches and stays red all the time.
Enough of my body starting to really fail me in bits and pieces.
Enough of the sleep loss that has me heartbroken because a goddamned dog won't respect mah authoritay.

I need a vacation, people. An honest go away and not be with family or friends just fucking away already vacation. It's been a long time since I've done that. Telling you, Trooper. Get that spawn into a proper training facility and hie my ass to somewhere or you're gonna have to learn where the dishwasher soap nuggets are kept.

Now, I think I'll make some hot chocolate - the real thing - and lay on the grass out back and try to see the stars with these shitty useless eyeglasses that cost too much to already be outta whack. Man, it's a good thing he's on shift...I am seriously not fit for man nor beast, it would appear.

Is it very wrong of me...

...to find this damned erotic?


Just damn...