Unlike many others, I am never assured of safety behind my windows and doors. I knew this when I first took up with a LEO. Retribution was always a possibility. But things amped up with the move here. And of course it's only getting worse as the days go by.
Therefore, I am never more than a few feet away from a weapon. But last night I got lazy or forgetful. It was late and I was shutting down the net, getting ready to turn out the light when I heard the sound that I would have sworn was a pants leg brushing and a step...
My first thought was for the dog - outside, damn it. Then I could see in my mind the gun on the kitchen counter, left after finishing the cleaning up. My hand went for the next option from the pencil cup on my desk - it wasn't much but it was sharp. After another moment of listening, I got up to investigate. Thank goodness it was just the cat, moving around on my rain jacket, carelessly cast aside earlier. "Asshole," I told him, stroking his soft, sleepy head.
But it was a dark reminder. The gun is useless when it isn't to hand. And the dog is to be wherever I am, damn it. Much as he was all last week when I wasn't out of his sight.
I'd had a dream recently - running back into the house for a forgotten something, door left unlocked, ajar. Two men crashed through it and I had no time at all to react. It, too, was a reminder that no matter how much of a bad-ass I may be (even if only in my own mind) I do not have the training to handle that sort of thing.
I am sure there is language to describe it, studies made year after year, to deal with that surprise and halt to action, moments of decision rather than implementation of repetitive training.
Fact is, I need to watch my ass, be smarter by 100%, and get some fracking holsters and use the damned things.
Shock and awe, indeed. I am not prepared...but at least I know where to start.