I'm frustrated with work lately. A recent convo with rather impotent supervisor really set me off. (This re: the POS database entry rule...) I am getting more disillusioned daily. And it's not as though this was my dream job or the perfect company. But it is kind to me and I do have a great deal of latitude. But...
I have to remind myself daily of that. I try to really bring to mind those things I have and am permitted. I look at that deposit and know that it is very good money for what I am asked to do. But the rainy, cold weather and my persistent sickness makes it hard to be...optimistic. (Add in that all the fun people are gone and I am left with the "Socialist And Proud Of It" or the "I'm A Dumb Blonde Ruining The Lives Of My Kids" to converse with. No more snarky jokes. No more support of my anarchy. It is very quiet.
Then there is the surprise Saturday obligation - getting my CHL - that Trooper sprung on me. I am not ready. I haven't shot the loaned AMAZING 1911 in a month. (Seriously - it is an absolutely perfectly tuned weapon.) I am concerned about doing well under pressure. I am afraid I will perform badly in front of staff that know my friends and Trooper very well. I don't want to embarrass them. So it means tonight and every night this week I have to cram - I need to know that gun intimately so that I can do it right the first time. Irked, yes. But proud a little that they think I am good enough to do it cold. Still...it gnaws at my "I hate to fail" foible and makes me blink hard against it.
So I was surprised at how comforted I was just now with the most simple of things - homemade organic raspberry jam. I know! It's red stuff with annoying seeds (because I don't own a chinois). But...it absolutely floods you with the scent and flavor of perfect berries. I had prepared it with far less sugar than the packet of pectin advised so it isn't cloying. It also isn't very jellied because of that. Instead, it just melts across the warm buttered toast and I can savor it...I ran my finger around the little container to get the last bits and thought about the beauty of those jewel-like things. Delicate, and so different in their organic form. A true gift of their whole goodness given to me to enjoy.
These small gifts serve to remind me - all of this commotion is really just inside me. I can choose to let it go, take a kind of zen view of things and let them roil past. It is only my need to fret that brings about these fears and trepidations.
To be more simple, more calm - that is what I ought to work on. Let go. Let be.