Sunday, November 04, 2012

So I Almost Died Today...

Dramatic, no? True, though. Sarge had a pistol match this morning a few miles away but was going to be late. I'd spent much of the morning cleaning out the front garden and had cleaned up myself after. But then I was peckish...

We've been all about the pork belly - organic, lovely marbled flesh from a local rancher. Some scrambled eggs, some pork...what could be better? The cast iron sizzled nicely and batch # 1 was nearly done.

I moved the first slices off to the side to drain and loaded the rest of the slices in the skillet. Just one piece, I thought to myself. Just one - I was so hungry and it smelled so good. My teeth carved off half a slice and I chewed with a ravenous greed. But then something went very wrong.

It was a mere moment in time - the bacon seemed to divide, the fat holding both bits like the old Click Clack toy. One piece went down as it ought but I must have breathed at the wrong time because the other half slid into my wind pipe and lodged there. I can now say Thank God. In the moment, it was more like Oh God!

I had enough sense to turn off the stove - no need for a grease fire should I perish. And perish I might because there was little to no air getting past that damn grease plug. Stark terror as I bent over and hacked and hawked and tried even to barf to just get it out. I had to slow my fear in order to keep what air I had because it was very little, my heartbeat racing and stealing it all away.

Ranger was outside and I thought briefly that he could be out there for awhile, glad I'd filled the water bowl...I stumbled to the chair at the dining table, a final attempt before grabbing the cell phone and stumbling outside to get whatever help I could summon. I threw myself over the back of the chair, reaching for the porcine attacker with my fingers. A self-inflicted Hind Lick, a furious clawing...

Blessed air rushed in as the gobbet fell from my hands. I stood, the chair falling with a clatter, dizzy and nauseous and terrified all at once. How close it had been, I thought...a 911 call at least, a long ride to anywhere with gear to deal with it, and that assuming someone even saw me within the few golden moments.

It was quite the event...in the end I did consume some of the bacon brethren in revenge but it was with care and small, small bites. A kind of climbing back on the horse...but there is a rule, now. No bacon comsumption without company. Just because.

The consolation is that Sarge did well in the match. Wait...no. Really? Well, he thinks so. He just doesn't know how rich he almost got today. Now that's consolation.

10 comments:

Murphy's Law said...

Glad you're ok. We often don't realize how even the simplest stuff can go horribly wrong fast. But you should mail me and Murphy the rest of your bacon stock, just to be safe. ;-)

Feisty said...

Oh, geez.

Please do not scare me like that!

LauraB said...

Murph - trust me that the bacon will not be on the menu for a few weeks.

Feisty, darlin' - it was scary alright...and mortifying. What a fracking obit that would have made.

Six said...

Holy Crap, stop scaring me like that! Now you're just gonna have to sing me to sleep tonight.

John Venlet said...

Phew! Glad I'm reading this, instead of an obit, Laura.

Glad you got right back on that bacon horse, though.

Don said...

Glad to hear that it all came out in the end.

*crickets*

Nobody ever said I was much of a comedian...

:-)

LauraB said...

Thanks, guys! 1) I cannot sing except the mock opera - not soothing in the least, Six, so turn on the radio.

John, it was important to me to not surrender. Not to bacon, at any rate.

Don, you slay me. (Get it? Slay? Heh...)

Daphne said...

I'm come by for a long overdue visit on Saturday when it's all quiet around your place, then you nearly die on me the next day and I don't find out until Wednesday because I'm shitty about checking up on my friends.

Holy crap, woman. Chew, you're supposed to chew!

I know we don't chat since I've shut down the blog, my fault, but I would be bawling like a baby if you had died of pork belly. You being in this world is important to me.

Big, warm hugs and much love.

LauraB said...

D! Oh, darling D...I hope you've been well. I miss you so - and your words.

I saw some shoes the other day and thought of you for some reason. Heh...

Stay safe!

Daphne said...

Kisses, big wet ones all over your sweet face, Laura.