Dramatic, no? True, though. Sarge had a pistol match this morning a few miles away but was going to be late. I'd spent much of the morning cleaning out the front garden and had cleaned up myself after. But then I was peckish...
We've been all about the pork belly - organic, lovely marbled flesh from a local rancher. Some scrambled eggs, some pork...what could be better? The cast iron sizzled nicely and batch # 1 was nearly done.
I moved the first slices off to the side to drain and loaded the rest of the slices in the skillet. Just one piece, I thought to myself. Just one - I was so hungry and it smelled so good. My teeth carved off half a slice and I chewed with a ravenous greed. But then something went very wrong.
It was a mere moment in time - the bacon seemed to divide, the fat holding both bits like the old Click Clack toy. One piece went down as it ought but I must have breathed at the wrong time because the other half slid into my wind pipe and lodged there. I can now say Thank God. In the moment, it was more like Oh God!
I had enough sense to turn off the stove - no need for a grease fire should I perish. And perish I might because there was little to no air getting past that damn grease plug. Stark terror as I bent over and hacked and hawked and tried even to barf to just get it out. I had to slow my fear in order to keep what air I had because it was very little, my heartbeat racing and stealing it all away.
Ranger was outside and I thought briefly that he could be out there for awhile, glad I'd filled the water bowl...I stumbled to the chair at the dining table, a final attempt before grabbing the cell phone and stumbling outside to get whatever help I could summon. I threw myself over the back of the chair, reaching for the porcine attacker with my fingers. A self-inflicted Hind Lick, a furious clawing...
Blessed air rushed in as the gobbet fell from my hands. I stood, the chair falling with a clatter, dizzy and nauseous and terrified all at once. How close it had been, I thought...a 911 call at least, a long ride to anywhere with gear to deal with it, and that assuming someone even saw me within the few golden moments.
It was quite the event...in the end I did consume some of the bacon brethren in revenge but it was with care and small, small bites. A kind of climbing back on the horse...but there is a rule, now. No bacon comsumption without company. Just because.
The consolation is that Sarge did well in the match. Wait...no. Really? Well, he thinks so. He just doesn't know how rich he almost got today. Now that's consolation.