A clock is ticking, but it's hidden far away
Safe and sound, safe and sound
My God, this thing is spinning out of control, isn't it? You can't hide your fav fetish search but someone can take an entire aircraft off the grid and everyone shrugs. Russians declare the ability to destroy us whilst taking over a country, and our guy is picking his favorite basketball teams.
It is getting harder to find any humor in anything...the dogs feel the mood and angle away and gone, down the forbidden hill to the nasty ditch below - mercifully dry this day - looking for any escape from what must be a terrible emanating vibe. I crash through the weeds and tall grass, snatch their collars to hook the leash back on. Angry, angry, and so tired...no sleep and so tired that I let the dog out last night sometime and do not recall leaving the bed. At least I locked the door.
Sometimes I ache to just turn out the lights, get under the covers with something to throw me back into that smooth terrain of the soporific and let all of this, the 1's and 0's - go. To stop my brain from thinking in the useless round path it has worn.
I hear it ticking away, the hours of almost-all-over, and want to push Pause. Not ready, nowhere near it...just one more spring, give the kids a summer, and that cool autumn I love...Christmas I do not expect, don't dare ask for. No way this thing doesn't crash before then...
It is wrong to be so...careless. But I know, in truth, many will go without me. And all my concerns will be like sand on a shore - the most minute irritation to the world. So I do for them what I can, kith and kin. Spend my hours' recompense for their ease. It is staking a marker, you see, in the Future.
But no one will ever bear these blue eyes, will they? That is an eternal loss.
Thursday, March 13, 2014
This has been in rotation on all devices of late...it has everything I love in it...
More and more the sign of Morrigan flies across the world - birds winging elsewhere, and birds going to ground without a sound. Death and more death everywhere you look and I know that the strings are being pulled tighter from all around, the many nooses disguised...
I wobble from angry to nonplussed to fearful and then take the wide, wide arc to the mad twitch of a smile - a person who doesn't care what price you're demanding. It won't be paid.
I think about Acquisition regardless, thinking that there won't be any accounting any of it anyway. But I am still too proud to fall to that level - the sucker punch of the user to the used. Time enough, I tell myself but I doubt even my own words, now. Get rid of this place and get something else, better, with land...distance...but even that seems a fool's dream. A singular target or just another house on the block? And the madness says that there will be a plenty of empty places, with just a bit of char, one day.
Some fool decided a night in jail was worse than a couple counts of capital murder the other night. I couldn't understand it. SXSW has about a dozen alternatives to that decision - to drive drunk during the event is plain stupid and lazy. And now...well, I hope they had a great time - it will have been their last.
Sarge is away on a task force, having a good time doing what he loves. His digs are sweet, too. Says we will go on vacation sometime but I think he doesn't know what that sort of convenient luxury costs the average citizen. Amusing coincidence - his good friend from home is on assignment nearby, too. The Lakota was on overwatch and snapped a photo, Sarge smiling and holding up the stripes for the camera. A strange kind of overlapping of his lives in an unlikely place.
I play the choice songs this evening, trying to ready the mind for bed - sleep has been scarce for 3 nights and I hope this one can be tamed. Tomorrow...ah, tomorrow my pride must step aside and accept the very kind gift of a good friend...one that I cannot repay for some time. Like family, he said, and he could not know how I looked out that office window, my phone warm against my face as if the heat of the shame and appreciation leached into it. It is a hard thing to describe, that sense of grateful indebtedness. I have always tried so hard to not Need anyone or anything. It puts cracks in the façade that are hard to repair. And that was the thing I felt as I looked out that glass to the nothing important - I felt the crack and it was echoed in my voice as I gave my fervent thanks.
Tomorrow I will be the one to greet this honor, and swallow away tears, unable to avoid it by hiding behind his wide shoulders. A great kindness...and I know that the future will hold more - that this road, this crossing of paths, was not for nothing and no accident. Entwined fates...
Posted by LauraB at 23:06